Floating Phil

Trying to stay in touch with the world while sharing my adventure, posting some photographs and recording my thoughts.

Beautiful Trauma.

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Phil

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Contrasting words… I know, 
 
Back in January 2020, hours after the accident, I knew that something was wrong… with me.  I never experienced anything like this in my life before, like I was hit by the freight train on all levels.  Physically and emotionally stunned, overwhelmed to a point I could not see straight, apart from the fact that I could actually not see out of my eyes after all the crying. I even woke up at night with a soaked pillow and puffy eyes, after crying in my sleep.  Yes, this was my first true encounter with trauma.  I remember it took Lucille a couple of calls to explain to me what I am truly experiencing and what lays in store for the coming weeks, months and years to come.  My WordWeb app sums it up quite well I think… Noun: trauma  –  1. An emotional wound or shock often having long-lasting effects, or 2. Any physical damage to the body caused by violence, accident or fracture etc.  
 
The days, weeks and years that followed was all part of a steep learning curve for me.  Trying to understand why my brain and body were behaving (in a non-functional way) like it did and trying to coach it through the, to be honest, mostly unknown. While just recently moving to a new country, in a new job and with the pandemic bringing the world to a standstill…  One of the most difficult things for me to accept was that my short and medium term memory was gone and more frustratingly, I didn’t know for how long.  The Hamster simply took everything that came his way, all new information, and fed it to the shredder.  To say the least, it was tough… and to be honest, people look at me funny when I say that “next time I lose my spouse I will do things better”, because I have experience now.  I can still recall endless days in the past that just seem like a blur when I look back, not being able to remember what I did, or how I made it through.  One thing is for certain, music helped a lot.  Sometimes the lyrics of the song, or the emotion in the performers voice, or the way it is performed, or the history of how the performer or the song came about or sometime just because YouTube or Spotify doesn’t know what to play next and you are still laying on the couch at 4am, not being able to sleep and desperately in need the company (to break the silence that you cannot deal with).
 
One of the albums that stands out above others, even today still, is “Beautiful Trauma” by P!nk.  Yes, I didn’t go to Auckland on the weekend just to go see a show, I went to support (and say thank you) to an artist that unknowingly helped me through some pretty dark times and tough shit.  You are welcome to listen to the whole album (on repeat if you choose to do so) but three songs on that album simply speaks to my heart and soul.

 

3. Whatever You Want –

“No you know, you know we must believe

I’ll fall apart

I feel like our ship’s going down tonight

But it’s always darkest before the light

And that’s enough for me to try”…

P!NK – Whatever You Want (Official Video).

 

4. What About Us – (one she performed yesterday)

“What about us?

What about all the times you said you had the answers?

What about us?

What about all the broken happy ever afters?

What about us?

What about all the plans that ended in disaster?

What about love, What about trust, What about us?”…

P!NK – What About Us (Official Video).

 

11. I Am Here – (one she performed yesterday, beautifully with so much emotion from the crowd)

“I open up my heart, you can love me or not

There’s no such thing as sin, let it all come right in

I wanna make some mistakes, I wanna sleep in the mud

I wanna swim in the flood, I wanna f*** ’til I’m done

I like whiskey on ice, I like sun in my eyes

I wanna burn it all down, so let’s start a fire

I wanna be lost, so lost that I’m found

Naked and laughing with my blood on the ground

I am here, I am here

I’ve already seen the bottom, so there’s nothing to fear

I know that I’ll be ready when the devil is near

I am here, I am here

All of this wrong, but I’m still right here

I don’t have the answers, but the questions is clear

Let me ask you, Where does everybody go when they go“…

P!NK – I Am Here

So after writing all of this, I am shouting and crying out, I am still here, while choosing to have this breakdown, being totally overwhelmed with emotion, simply missing my better half, wishing I could have her back.

__________
43.5323 – 172.5567
10 March 2024
FP-59

6 responses to “Beautiful Trauma.”

  1. The heart break you speak of rings oh so true in my life to my friend 🥺when reality hits that THIS WAS THE LAST TIME TO EVER SEE OUR LOVED ONE hits so hard. From the day they leave us here on our own ” UNSUPERVISED ” it feels like a fog. I truly hope with all my heart that you will find your peace and breathe in some new life through your journey 💙

  2. Yes.. Music is my total world..

    It will tell you more about me than what I ever will..

    Ai Philip..

    My hart..it breaks for you..
    I hope you find some “piece” on your travels.
    Sending Healing Hugz

  3. Wow! Regardles of what we all might have been through individually, it’s very difficult to truly comprehend the myriad of emotions that you struggle with as the result of being dealt such a cruel blow.
    One can’t help but wonder what Pink must have gone through to write the lyrics that she has, but know that while many of us might not be able to fully understand the turmoil that you continue to deal with, we are all here for you now and always will be.
    I hope the next stage of the emotional, spiritual, and physical journey that you head out on tomorrow helps to bring you the peace that you deserve. You’ve had the darkness, so the light is coming with every step.
    Btw; I fervently believe music in its many varied forms can be medicine for the soul.